To be fearless – a resolution

{ April 3, 2009 @ 12:12 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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“To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. to me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s fearless to stop believing them. It’s fearless to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. then, moving on and being alright…that’s fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever afters.“

One hell of a finale

{ March 30, 2009 @ 9:37 am } · { Uncategorized }
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School is almost over. 3 weeks to be exact. But the amount of projects, papers, test, blogs, assignments and whatnot due would make any reasonable person go insane and quit school! 

I know all of these projects will better me in the end. I already have learned and now know so much. My portfolio ( of at least school items) is growing! At the beginning of the semester I would be freaking out about all of this. Now just trying to take it one day at a time. Not everything will be perfect. I can try my best, but there is no point in killing myself over it!

So now I am excited to tackle the rest of my semester. Perhaps not happy about test taking, which I have always been horrible at, but the projects can be somewhat entertaining at points. 

Wait. I just realized I had more than I thought due this week. Time to freak out…

When lovers become friends…

{ March 29, 2009 @ 11:58 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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It’s unnerving. And more. After a 2 year relationship, my boyfriend and I have become more friends than anything. It’s scary that we have gotten to this point. But its settling in a way as well. To be mature enough to acknowledge that we feel the same way. That we don’t want to resort to childish games of hurting one another. We respect one anther enough to want each other to be happy above all else. The ability to talk about it and figure it out together is something many people only can dream and wish of doing. Do I like it? I am not sure. There is no closure, no certainty of what is going on, what is going to happen. When people ask me these questions, I have no answers for them. I don’t even have them for myself. Does anyone ever know what is going on in their life? 

Perhaps it is just denial. I don’t want to understand, acknowledge, or admit what my life is going through. I am 24. Where many peoples lives are starting to settle down and smooth out, mine just seems to get bumpier and twisty-er. With more drop-offs then the best roller coaster known to man

Accepting all of this is the hard part. I know how I feel. And then again I don’t. My mind is full of uncertainty and lacking answers to questions I want so desperately answered. 

For now I am just living. Whatever the day brings I will face to the best of my ability. 

But I bet you can’t read my poker face….

Born to chase dreams..

{ March 25, 2009 @ 10:47 am } · { Uncategorized }
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So much has changed within the past few weeks.

I am single. Hopefully graduating in December. Maybe going out of state for an internship. I have learned that just because you would do anything for your friends doesn’t mean that they would.

I have learned that people will use you to make their decisions for them, emotionally forcing you to do it. Being honest can make you the bad guy in many people’s eyes. I have gotten even better at perfecting my act of “being ok” and my mask is always in place. 

There is so much I want to accomplish. Want to do. Experience. Just never thought I’d be doing it alone. 

I am nothing short of a social butterfly, but perhaps its time to be a loner and focus on me. Focus on school. Focus on creating a future. 

Semester is almost over. It has got to be the craziest, most demanding semesters I have ever experienced. And I have been in school longer than most. 

On the agenda for this week: perfect my resume, build and create my portfolio, create a media kit for the USF Equestrian Team, apply for internships.. 

 

 

“All the smiles you had to fake. And all the shit you had to take. Just to lead you here again. You’ve never had the things to say, to make it all just go away, to make it all just disappear. Sometimes the weak become the strong. Believe in me this life is not always what it seems. Believe in me…. Cause I was made for chasing dreams”

Drawing a line before insanity?

{ February 17, 2009 @ 2:30 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I am losing my mind. School has consumed my life, which isn’t exactly a horrible thing. But I have noticed I am stressing out more than usual, snapping at people, friends, etc. for no apparent reason. People are annoying me more. I am finding flaws I never saw and am quite irritable. I don’t like it. I am putting my all into school, trying to finish my degree up ( finally) but for what [mental] price? 

Its difficult also trying to convey to friends that I’m not trying to ignore them, or not hang out. I would LOVE to do something other than live in the library or my office. 

I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is quite depressing. I have so much I need to get done, get accomplished. Internships, scholarships, journals, blogs, tests, papers, midterms, papers, portfolios, experiences, work. I feel that I am cramming too much and not getting enough out of all that I am doing b/c I am cramming. [Does that even make sense?]

I need a padded room before I go crazy. Or maybe just a day of sleep!

Dear…

{ January 29, 2009 @ 9:36 am } · { Uncategorized }
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I have always wanted to start a blog. I love to randomly write and usually always have quite a bit to say. But with my fabulous ADD and procrastination, it never got done. Finally this semester my classes are forcing me to have a blog, which is good for me, otherwise I would of just talked about it and never did it. So now I am maintaining and writing 3 blogs ;) Talk about hit the ground running. 

Well I wanted to keep my personal ramblings away from my school and graded blogs, hence this one was created. And I needed a whole separate blog to track my social experiment, which is sure to be a crazy adventure. I love to journal, when I actually make the time to sit and write. I guess I sometimes keep one in my mind of what I would like to say, like to write down. I got quite a few of those pretty hardback journals lying around my house, a few pages here and there used. 

So here is to blogging. This will be comprised of somewhat personal thoughts and experiences, though I am not dumb enough to post everything on here. It will be funny and sad. Full of my firm opinions and beliefs and then my ever changing ones. It could just be a rambling of random things, which I am known to do. This should be interesting :)

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